Episode V: The White Male Patriarchy Strikes Back

Episode V: The White Male Patriarchy Strikes Back

by Baz Shemirani

1 September, 2016


Trigger warning: contains hate speech against liberals.

Eton College Chapel

The time is 8:40, but the C Blocker [Year 12 student at Eton College, England] is fast asleep. He need not rise until 9AM, since Chapel was banned. Eventually he slops out of bed and, still in rainbow pajamas, trudges off to lessons.

Uniform is redundant now: such symbols of slavery were banished long ago. Lessons breeze by: with no note-taking or homework, he enjoys a safe, inclusive environment void of competition. Crayons are the only available choice of writing implement. High capacity assault pens are hateful.

After lessons, a lecture at the Farrer theatre. 40 minutes of anecdotal waffle later, and he can recite yet another ill of the white male patriarchy. The audience erupts into a silent flutter of feminist jazz hands (clapping can trigger anxiety).

Poor C Blocker is already triggered, however. He stands up, keen to question such a vacuous argument.

“Excuse me Sir!”

Disaster. 17 years of conditioning, and still this Freudian slip; he assumed someone’s gender! The bearded, suited, but non-gender-specific speaker panics and dies instantly. Several of his more fortunate peers use their genderfluid, pansexual powers to shapeshift into a makeshift safe space.

Quietly, the C Blocker scratches another tally mark into his contraband pen; it’s his fourth kill this year. Tearful cries of “cis scum” rally out from behind him.

Walking the Beagles was up next, before supper. The dogs had benefited from diversity quotas massively: a third of the Beagles were now in fact tolerant, loving but misunderstood Pitt Bulls, and another third were boys who identified as Beaglekin. That afternoon three dogs ripped each other to shreds; the C Blocker reminded them yet again to be loving and tolerant, the #jesuisbeagle hashtag trended on twitter, and a beagle filter was added to everyone’s Facebook profile pictures.

At Bekynton [the cafeteria], he joined the vegan breadline behind the staff and boys who identified as female, and as usual, got 77% less bread: revenge for the wage gap.

The telescreen quietly announced that, along with the crippled economy, unemployment was at an all-time high. World Leader Bernie Sanders preached that free college and a higher minimum wage were the answer, and finished off by calling his opposition racist and transphobic. It was a lethal double-tap combination: any accusation of hate speech was enough to have a lynch party of millennials set upon oneself in minutes.

Eton chapel

If you felt triggered at any point while reading that story, if you felt an itch that this shouldn’t be published, then you might just be a liberal. Modern liberals aren’t one bit “liberal”, and they follow but one rule:

Anything they like is a human right, and should be provided by the nanny state “for free”; anything they don’t like should be banned.

I could write ill of the thousands of claims these 24-year old, unshaven, mildly overweight brats peddle. I could argue that there is no statistical evidence for a Western “rape culture”; that religion is not an enemy but rather the fabric of our society; that, quite clearly, one particular religion has a violence problem that others do not, and tolerating it is not a viable solution. Perhaps sexual promiscuity among young people does no good (as the “stop slut shaming” crowd so claim), but instead leaves them unfulfilled romantically and causes depression (according to the Journal for Abnormal Psychology).

I could even be so outrageous and sadistic as to point out that when adjusted for economic and social circumstances, “evidence” of a patriarchal Illuminati suppressing anyone without white skin disappears entirely. But these battles are but a symptom of a far wider issue.

Emotional tantrums, anecdote, nice words and stimulating drivel have been forced down our throats by politicians and the media for so long that we now love the taste. It means nothing to call someone “xenophobic,” should they hold a reasoned stance against a foreign culture; it means nothing to shout any buzzword loudly and wave a flag.

But this is what our youth have been conditioned into thinking: that any speech outside of the political mainstream is “hate speech,” that its speaker should be “no-platformed” from universities.

If a view truly is incorrect, exposing it to proper discussion and evidence will swiftly prove it otherwise; if your view must be hidden under a pile of colouring books and fluffy blankets in a safe space to survive, you probably should not build a society upon it.

This issue has infested every aspect of political discourse. We have Obama unable to utter the word “Islam” after a shooting, and Swedish teachers being removed from schools for telling children there are two genders. Worst of all, endless policies fail to drag black people and women up from real poverty as they refuse to tackle the real causes, instead fashionably blaming discrimination.

In order to fix any issue, we must first be able to discuss it freely without these silly “hate speech” accusations, and so I leave you with the famed advice of Ralph Waldo Emerson,

Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted.

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