Admissions faculty at Harvard was devastated today upon hearing the news that they could no longer use racial discrimination to turn their school into a diverse rainbow of beautiful mediocrity. Their spirits were raised, however, once they realized they could accomplish the same thing by asking prospective students whether they prefer barbecue, ranch dressing, or soy sauce.
“We really want to avoid too many, um, soy sauce lovers here at Harvard,” said Alta Mauro, Harvard’s Associate Dean for Inclusion and Belonging. “They’re kind of boring because they study all the time, which is lame. But you need a few of them on campus because sometimes you can pay them to do your homework for you.”
Sources with Harvard faculty also reiterated that ranch-dressing appreciators are dangerous, disgusting people who have no business learning at a progressive and inclusive place like Harvard.
“What we really want are more BBQ sauce lovers here at Harvard,” said Mauro. “They give our campus a, um, colorful feel. They bring with them a wonderful, um, unique cultural flavor to student life. Unless they’re white. White people suck. I hope white people die.”
Democrats Devastated As Supreme Court Bans Racism. By the Babylon Bee.
Democrats in mourning today after the Supreme Court ruled that racial discrimination in college admissions is unconstitutional. Left-wing experts say this will greatly hinder their God-given right to fight racism by being racist.
“By banning racism, the extremist right-wing Supreme Court has banned anti-racism,” said Congresswoman AOC. “This will greatly hinder our ability to tinker with human behavior until everything looks like like we think it should in our infinitely wise minds. Minorities are NOTHING without us! How will they survive? This is a tragic day for America.”