Trump Thanks FBI For Kicking Off His 2024 Reelection Campaign

Trump Thanks FBI For Kicking Off His 2024 Reelection Campaign. By the Babylon Bee.

“They came into my home to make your favorite president look like a criminal. Such losers, such losers. But everyone still loves me so it’s ok. They didn’t even find anything! I’m gonna be the President again!”

Sources close to Trump say his first act as President will be to fire his own appointed FBI Director Christopher Wray and replace him with a used dust mop from the Capitol janitor’s closet before razing the Hoover building and banishing all FBI agents to Gitmo.

“I’m gonna fire everyone, literally everyone in government,” said Trump. Federal Reserve? Gone! EPA? Gone! CIA? Gone! Department of Education? ATF? HHS? Gone, gone, gone!”

The news media responded to Trump’s statement by calling him a “threat to democracy worse than Hitler” while tearing their clothes and heaping dust upon the crowns of their heads.

Ok, one more:

Enlightened Trump Takes Vow Of Silence. By the Babylon Bee.

In what many are calling the most powerful 5th Amendment plea ever, enlightened Trump has taken a vow of silence.

“My silence will be the most peaceful, most quiet 5th amendment plea ever,” said Trump before taking the vow in the New York AG’s office. “I will achieve the lowest amount of decibels of any vow of silence ever achieved. Folks, you haven’t seen anything this silent since the Democrat victory party on election night 2016!”

Trump’s legal team confirmed that in addition to pleading the 5th, Trump will also be pleading the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th Amendments, just to make sure his bases are covered.

“I plead all of them. All of the amendments,” said a serene, stoic-looking Trump before he closed his eyes and pursed his lips shut while lawyers passed papers back and forth.

Sources say Trump’s vow of silence lasted until he left the building when he gave a 2-hour speech about how his plea was the best, most beautiful plea, maybe ever.

Brilliant.