In Closing Argument, Prosecutor Tearfully Addresses Each Juror By Name, Phone Number, And Street Address

In Closing Argument, Prosecutor Tearfully Addresses Each Juror By Name, Phone Number, And Street Address. By the Babylon Bee (warning: satire!)

Prosecutor Steve Schleicher delivered powerful closing arguments today in the Derek Chauvin trial. In one especially touching moment, he made sure to individually address every member of the jury by name, phone number, and street address.

“I call on you, [redacted] whose phone number is [redacted] and who lives at [redacted],” he said through tears. “Do the right thing and pronounce the defendant guilty. And you [redacted], who can be reached at [redacted] and usually comes home each night at 6pm, I implore you to do what’s best for you and your adorable 2-year-old boy. It would be a shame if Antifa found out where he goes to school.”

Media reports indicated the jury appeared very moved by the closing arguments, as they were all shaking and crying by the end of them.

In yet another touching gesture, Antifa has already shown up at all the addresses with bricks and Molotov cocktails to help protect them in case any fascists show up.

It’s only funny (in a painful way) because it’s not that much of an exaggeration.