New England Patriots Apologize, Change Name to New England Marxist/Leninists

New England Patriots Apologize, Change Name to New England Marxist/Leninists, by the Derringer.

Today, New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft announced that his team will be officially changing its name and apologized for the racist and xenophobic associations it currently holds. …

Too racist, too xenophobic … comrade!

Hopefully, more teams will follow suit. A few suggestions – The Chicago Workers Revolution, San Francisco F*ck the Police, Houston Reparations, etc.

Walmart Now Requires All Shoppers To Wear Pants, by the Babylon Bee.

In a move that’s being called “unprecedented tyranny,” Walmart is now requiring all shoppers to wear pants in their stores.

Americans everywhere slammed Walmart for the move, saying it amounted to an infringement on our constitutional rights.

“I thought this was America,” said one man as a greeter asked him to please put on some sweatpants or something before coming into the store. “It is my constitutional right to go into Walmart and shop for random stuff at 3 a.m. wearing nothing but some boxers and a giant Tweety Bird T-shirt I got in the ’80s.”

hat-tip Scott of the Pacific